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Not over it yet ...

Tony's picture

Tony — Thu, 08/16/2012 - 9:05pm

Oh boy. It blindsides one at the oddest times. Like while pressing the coffee this morning. Perhaps because that would be a time when he and I would be alone in the quiet for a while.

Thank goodness the vet agreed to come to the house Tuesday. No fearful trembling in recognition of the destination as we would drive up to the vet's office during our many trips over the last few months. No cold stainless steel exam table. Instead, lying on my lap as we sat on the couch, his head, so small, cradled in my palm, my thumb rubbing his ear. And just gently, quietly going to sleep. Peace for him. A thunderbolt of emotion for Hilda and I. Relays short-circuited, contacts burnt, wires sputtering and smoking - nothing much constructive happening around here since.

Except for the recognition that we have a deep well of potential love building up, soon likely to be released on some unsuspecting pup.

Tanner - the best part of "We Three" for the last nine years

20030601-tanner_at_davids_party.jpg

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Meaghan's picture

Tanner

Meaghan — Fri, 08/17/2012 - 8:39am

I am so sorry to hear about Tanner. I bet your warm house feels so empty. The littlest packages make such a gigantic impact...Dad calls them shooting stars. Savor your vivid memories with him.
XOXOXO
Meg

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Tony's picture

Shooting Stars ...

Tony — Fri, 08/17/2012 - 9:08am

... I like that.

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Dana's picture

What a Guy

Dana — Fri, 08/17/2012 - 10:11am

I will always remember Tanner as he was at Eagle: happily dirty and on patrol, bigger than his diminutive stature. Such a jaunty fellow.
Thinking of him... and you and Hilda, Tony.

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Sebastian's picture

Getting over it

Sebastian — Fri, 08/17/2012 - 11:48am

Your description of that moment of letting go is as good as I've ever heard. Being present for the beginning or end of a life's journey is an unmatched experience. And when any deeply connected soul leaves our lives, the gaps left are initially obvious, material, but also we find complex and surprising connections within us that maybe only become apparent as we heal and reflect.

Tippy's been gone almost five years now. I've accepted it in an academic sort of way, but I'm not over it in any emotional or spiritual sense. I still bury my nose in her collar hunting for a glimpse of her wonderful smell. These marvelous creatures adopt us to share in our lives, outside perhaps of their natural environment but adapting to ours, dependent upon us but somehow giving so much more than they receive along the way.

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Barbara's picture

Tony and Hilda

Barbara — Sat, 08/18/2012 - 7:50am

My thoughts are with you.

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Tony's picture

Still remembering ...

Tony — Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:27am

Our walks, Tanner checking the messages on every mailbox post, and that was fine, that was his time,
His obsession with keeping the front door closed, and slamming it behind you on the way out, catching you on the butt and sending you stumbling it you weren't paying attention,
Trotting from the other end of the house on hearing the skin of a banana pop open,
Left foot raised, head cocked, "you are planning on sharing that, aren't you?",
Sharing juicy oranges or peaches on the deck,
Little groans of pleasure when stretching out for a nap,
Evening romps with "Bear", a stuffed animal nearly as large as he was who he had had since he was a puppy. The romp would begin on our bed with furious growling, and then he would come tearing into the living room, Bear in his mouth, inviting us to play too. Despite his love of toys he never really destroyed them, and Bear needed only one or two attentions by Hilda to put him back right. Now they lie curled up together in a quiet and cozy spot in the upper garden.
Loving little kids because they liked to run and play and stuff,
His total love for Missy,
Working me after we had gone to bed, hinting at a cereal snack (with a banana) - first staring me down, then scratching my mouse hand if I was internetting, then finally licking my neck,
Naps together,
Quiet morning time on the couch in the office,
And more that are dimming already ...
(sorry for all this, but it just has to come out before it's gone)

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Tony's picture

What a wonderful image ...

Tony — Tue, 08/21/2012 - 9:14pm

... thanks, Dana

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